On The Jean-Short

Thursday, May 8 at 11:39 p.m.

Sixth Grade: My Introduction to the Jean-Short

1991: Sixth grade was a hard time for me. Sixth grade was a year of being average or slightly below average in every way, save height. I was 5'11" and a half. I remember nothing of English or Math classes. I recall learning quite a lot about Egypt, though. Additionally, I remember drawing a picture of a space ship for science class.

Yes. A picture. Of a pretend space ship. For Science class. I got a B.

There is one odd incident that I remember: My sixth grade geography teacher, who I now believe was a lesbian (But it was 1991, so who knows? Seriously, watch 'Ghost' when you have a few hours- it was a more androgynous time.) noted that she was surprised that the jean-short was back in fashion. Several of the girls in class were wearing a jean-short and this seemed to surprise and delight her greatly. To wit, she said that the jean-short was 'coming back'. In fact, she predicted that the women's jean-short would again have fringe as if it were carved from an old pair of beat up jeans.

But that's not all. My beloved 6th grade geography teacher went even further! She audaciously predicted that the men's jean-short would also experience a renaissance.

The girls in geography class exclaimed that they would never wear fringy jean-shorts. The boys in the class, including myself, remained sullen.

Me, though. Me? I gloomily marked those words. At that time I had considered how acid wash jeans had recently faded into obscurity in favor of the more or less flavorless 'stone-wash' jeans.

Eighth Grade: The Peak of the Jean-Short

By grade eight, we were all wearing a jean-short. 1993 was the the height of the jean-short, the meticulously half-tucked bland Nike T-Shirt -- You know the one? It was probably beige with a discreet swoosh on the left breast -- and the oxymoronic earth-colored sneakers. How I loved those! You would have completed the look with some short-socks (also earth-toned?) and a woven belt.

Senior Year: My Secret Shame

1997: The men's normal length jean-short has lost its luster. I bought a pair of "Levi's Silver Tab" brand stone-washed jean-shorts. Quickly realizing my faux pas, I hid them away in a suitcase and headed lamely off to college. By then, my friends were listening to Korn and wearing Jncos and Vans and Sketchers. I don't know what possessed me to buy what may quite possibly have been the last pair of Silver Tab jean shorts ever manufactured.

The story should end there.

Seventeen Years Later: A Stunning Admission

Though I haven't worn it for many many years, I still have the silver tab jean-short. It's true! The time is not yet right - but when it is, when the jean-short rises again as a stone-washed, plain-yogurt flavored statement of a generation so apathetic that it doesn't even want colors in its clothes, I will be ready.

The Silvertab is my snowball in the freezer. I will wait patiently through the spring of good taste, the summer of bold colors, and even the autumn of late-80s/early-90s red-hot-chili-peppers looking clothes. But when the first flakes of a mid-90s revival drift across the collective consciousness, I WILL BE THE FIRST KID ON THE BLOCK WITH A ROCK HARD SNOWBALL CALLED SILVERTAB. Booya.

Proof

This story is true. To certify its authenticity, I have attached a picture of the secret jean-short in question. This jean-short may never, in the future, see the light of day:

As you can see, from the logo and the actual "Silver Tab" on the right-, ass-most pocket, that these jeans mean business. In a fifteen years ago -- totally hetero! -- sort of way. I also noted that the waist on these jeans is about 2 inches smaller than the waist I wear now. So if you know me, don't sweat it - these bad boys aren't coming out anytime soon.

Further Research

The following image is attached only for comic effect. Note the word "STONEWASH" on the man's shirt: